People want to be mysterious and different, it’s a fact of life. At the same time, they want to be like others as well—or their wouldn’t be mass compilations of herding like religion, brands, or stereotypes. I thought I wanted to be mysterious, but that was only until I realized that there was no other way for me to be. Now that I’m tangled with feelings for someone, it’s become increasingly frustrating for me. It seems that I have a constant mask over my feelings and that I edit things that I say so that I keep people behind a curtain. I frantically trying to figure out how not to be like this. I want to say things that I feel and want, but they get stuck in my throat. Simple things, like my favourite song or word—why do I feel the need to cling to these? I’ll blame it on being hurt, but that’s a pathetic reason. As human beings, if you realize something, I wish it were the case that you could change it. I guess all I can do it work on it, and be incredibly frustrated with myself but in awe of the fact that someone is being so patient with my flighty and frantic fears.
Literally, it’s a game of poker. Life, that is. I’m all in.
I’d heard that San Francisco was the New York City of the west coast. I’ve been in love with New York since before I went there, and I can safely say that San Francisco doesn’t hold anything in comparison. The people were mainly very rude and stuck up—it’s possible that I was just in the wrong areas though. I did love the vacation very much though. I had so much fun and was ready to move on to the next stop—Yosemite National Park. I saw trees of a new era, heights to set my soul on fire, and dangers (while climbing things I shouldn’t) that will keep my thrill odometer fuelled for a while. I climbed out over some rafting water stones. It was slippery and scary—if I would’ve fallen, I may have died. That’s the best kind of thrill. We saw trees that were as tall as fairy-tale giants, and many baby deer to light a smile on my face. The driving alongside 6000 feet cliffs were intimidating, but I loved it. Then the trek back to Los Angeles happened. Oh how I missed my city. I never realised how much it meant to me. It’s very special to me and I finally feel like it’s my home. Absence does make the heart grow fonder—I learned this with LA and a love. Te perfect trip ended in the perfect arms. I’m so lucky, I don’t deserve how beautiful life is—but at least I can appreciate it.
A late start accompanied by bagels and nutella made for a wonderful morning—not to mention that I finally found good strong coffee. Today was a hike up the city. We climbed hill after hill until we reaches the peak, which split the city in half, harbours on either side. A bus ride, more walking, and a few murderous threats to my iPhone’s gps system lead us to the most beautiful view of the Golden Gate Bridge. I’m pretty good at keeping my emotions in check, but I felt lighter than air when I let the grin of excitement at climbing over it bubble inside of me. I love danger, it fuelled me. I made my mom panic only a handful of times. Then on another bus and into the golden gate park. There we found Buddha, Bonsais, and Japanese architecture at the tea gardens. We also got lucky with my favourite thing of the day—the California Academy of Sciences. There were aquariums, butterflies flying on me in their rainforest and a safari walkthrough. It was incredible. Exhaustion wore through my bones, but the authentic Thai food perked me up. Now it’s time for sleep. Tomorrow is a big day.
I woke up to the quiet delight of San Francisco, in what I now realize to have been a very shady hotel. Cold water showers, broken outlets, and wood like sheets were what I left gladly behind me. My city was alive and rumbling, just like my nerves and stomach. The resort was three miles away, but I’d find breakfast on the way. Three miles later I had bags that felt a few hundred pounds heavier and an even more empty stomach. The resort room was beautiful and had a beautiful view. I walked to honey honey a cute cafe and crepery, that was recommended to me. Then I walk all along downtown, to the fisherman’s wharf, and to ghiradelli square—where there were pumpkin spice chocolate samples galore. I got to see a different side of San Francisco. I eventually became exhausted and took an antique F train back to Market square. I had a dead phone and had to find the resort by memory—my favourite type of adventure. All and all…a wonderful day. My favourite view was that of the bay bridge..so silver and serene.
Woke up this morning to a cooler climate. How quickly it shifted from sunny to severe. I’m very impartial to the cold and would rather curl up next to a fireplace with a good book and dark hot chocolate. But down to the Fisherman’s Wharf and to Pier 33 we trekked towards the loading port for Alcatraz Island. As we sailed away from San Francisco, what I would deem “London Fog” rolled across the city and bridges. It was unnerving (in an eery way) and also drenched me to the bone. The cell blocks of Alcatraz poked out from above the fog. The escape sirens blared—welcome to Alcatraz. It was interesting how excited I was to come and visit the island, while only a few decades before men were dreading their very existence at the thought of stepping onto that rock. I explored, did an audio tour, and ventured over some cliffs. Very great experience. I warmed up with grilled cheeses and tomato soup then made the long walk home—buying souvenirs along the way.
I miss my city, I miss a love.
This morning I woke up to the Los Angeles skyline. I love hearing the city’s day begin, and watching the aeroplanes take off in the distance—and I realized I’d be on one of those in a few hours. I feel unraveled because a huge part of me was extremely sad to leave my guy. But as he dropped me off at the aeroport I felt the adventure beginning. True to my nature, i was without a hotel reservation up until 10 minutes before my plane took off. The landing was beautiful—gliding over the bay.
San Francisco is beautiful, especially the fisherman’s wharf area I’m staying in for the night. It was a five minute walk to the bay and resulted in a breathtaking view of the Golden Gate Bridge. I had une crêpe, une baguette, et beaucoup des bon bons haha.
I’m turning in early so that I can wake up early and explore before I head over and check into the resort.
Under the covers, in his comfy hoodie—sweet dreams world.
I find it interesting what we, as thinking humans (some of us) consider good or bad— or right or wrong. I haven’t believed in the concept for morals for around 4 years now, and maybe that has altered the way I think. But I don’t think anything is necessarily bad—except for perhaps murder, which could In some cases be considered acceptable by humans (death penalty.)
Anyway, tonight I was looking back to my high-school days. If I would have saw and heard myself now back then, then I would have thought I was evil and going to hell—I believed in hell back then. But I’ve come to realise that as we get older our concepts of black and White start fading and fading. Especially for someone living in California.
My life Is fun and daring now—in ways I’m afraid of. But you only live once, I think.
I might be a realistic person, who leans in favour of a pessimistic outcome. I’d rather not be, but I find it pushes my personality in a direction that can be good. That being said, I’m warily optimistic within the situation I’ve recently become tangled. Thom Yorke might be right with everything falling into place. Nothing keeps me interested like a good mystery.
Life is different and exciting. I’ve finally turned twenty-three. I’ll pretend, in my mind, that I know all the secrets of the world and can indefinitely take care of myself. But, as all of those older than me already know, I will look back in a handful of years and find the ignorance of my youth amusing. Yet, I cannot help but state that I am the happiest that I have been in years. I’m not concerned with what is going to happen years from now. I’m concerned with how I’m going to get up and go to work in a few hours. That’s how it should be—especially since the birds are already chirping outside with the rising sun.
I’ve been writing music almost every day. I feel inspired. I’ve been playing guitar every day. I feel accomplished. I’m rarely home and am hanging out with people, being social. I feel happy. Life can be good, and it is. Simplicity at its finest.
Imagine with me: You’re on a blue roller coaster, with your feet dangling. The machine trembles with a gravitative pulse of energy from the crowd about, and the people within. Most people would feel the thrill of excitement, but dread ran undiluted throughout my veins as my hands shook from pure fear. As it shot forward and into a quick loop, I hear laughter coming from my mouth—I realized I was in a state of ecstasy. I’ve held the fear I have of roller coasters close to my heart since I was a child, and most people didn’t understand why I was afraid of them, especially someone with my personality—not to mention my intoxication with heights. I was just afraid of the unknown.
I want to try something new at least once a month, if I can. I think it’d be good for me. Today woke me up in ways I’m in love with. I can do anything, all the time.
Argo and Hayden. YEAH I am SOOO excited to be apart of a kickass trio with the two of you. I can’t wait for all the adventures we go on and for many memories full of laughs and LOTS of dancing in public just for you KELLLLLLLY. I love you both and I am so thankful to have two smart, dynamic, beautiful funny BABES in my life. mwaaah
My biggest problem with life..over the last few years has been that I think too far in advance. I think about what will happen, what will definitely be, and if something seems like it’ll be out of place in the future—then I shun it now, for then. I’m taking up a new sense of direction. I believe in the now, the present, and the “what’s good for my soul..right now” notion. Let’s drink to that. Let’s live like we’re 22 and 23 and for a few years to come. I’ll deal with my regrets and my faults then. But for now, I want to be free from the worry, and I want to be happy. It’s time to embrace.
..ON a side note. I get my tattoo of the world map, across my back, within the next couple of days. I’m excited. I’m in love with the idea. And if I hate it when I’m forty, then at least I know that the person who got it was real and true. I’m not afraid.
I’ve frequently tossed the notion of becoming a vegan for around a year now. I’ve been a devote vegetarian for two and a half years now. Before becoming a vegetarian, I wouldn’t touch a vegetable or any exotic foods. I only liked plain foods, but that all changed. Now I eat more types of foods than most people I know, and trying new and exotic foods is a thrill. I’m so much more healthy, and that’s partially a reason for my change of heart. Just because being a vegan will be more difficult isn’t a reason to not be. I love challenges and I love animals. So, here we go. =)